In Defence of the Third-Life Crisis
(or any life crisis)
We all know about the mid-life crisis and the quarter-life crisis, yet the third-life crisis hasn’t landed in our daily lexicon. But with fast-changing living standards, and life expectations that clash with our biological clocks (I hate this term for its highly gendered usage, but more on that later), the significance of this period of time in our lives is strangely understated.
Perhaps because our 30s have traditionally been a time for people to “settle down” or be “settled down” already, with most on determined career paths, getting married, having kids, and buying houses. And for some, this period in their lives is probably pretty good. But for many (like myself), this seems like a near impossible feat.
That’s not to say, that everyone wants these things now. This “life track” was expected of us in the past. It wasn’t questioned. Huge life events, like having children, was just a given. We have now entered an age where it is more acceptable for people to choose not to have children or get married. Or perhaps switch careers multiple times.
But despite this more flexible acceptance of what we make of our lives, many people still feel social or personal pressure to fulfill these expectations by a certain age - usually in our 30s. If our lives don’t look the way we envisioned (or maybe it does tick all these boxes, but you still feel unsatisfied), it can cause anxiety or throw us into, you guessed it - crises.
Hypothetically, these kinds of crises, would seem more prevalent in those with more creative ambitions. Usually, parents advise against pursuing a career in the arts because of the “starving artist” stereotype, the lack of stability, and the “lower status” these jobs have against the standard professional jobs. At least that was my experience, and the experience of many people I know (in particular, from Asian households).
So, many people choose the “stable” path. They get “real” jobs. Maybe as lawyers, accountants, doctors, engineers etc. They seem to have “done it right.” But then, after chugging away at their careers for a decade, many still wonder, “Is this it? Is this the rest of my life? Would my life be more fulfilling if I had followed my passions?” Conversely, those who may have chased passion, may be thinking, “Is this it? Is this my passion? Should I have picked a more normal career?”
And that’s just careers. It’s easy to write off these experiences as a “grass is always greener” phenomenon. It’s easy to say that careers are a marathon and not a sprint, so don’t worry where we are at this stage in our lives. If you hate your job, then quit. Or stop complaining and be grateful for what you have. What’s the alternative? Staying unhappy in the status quo? Waiting for some other variable to change instead of changing it yourself?
But there are other variables to worry about, aren’t there? What about money? A mortgage? Or just the ability to buy a home (especially in an expensive city)? Or having kids? Taking care of kids? Freezing eggs to give yourself the option of kids? Divorce? Money for school if you want to change careers or upgrade? (Not to mention - COVID). All the things!
It can all get a bit overwhelming. But, just get on with it, right? That’s what previous generations like to say.
I am always fascinated by how change is a constant and inevitable feature of human existence, but we are programmed to resist it. Yet we yearn for it at the same time. Is this a programming defect or something we are meant to overcome in order to ascend to the “next stage”? To “get over” the crises? I see so many people stunted by this feeling of resistance. Not just at this stage of life either (in fact, I think it gets worse with age).
I’m not sure I would say I’m in the midst of crises necessarily, but myself and lots of people I know in their 30s are wading through these challenging life questions. Compared to most, I have chosen a somewhat more eclectic “career” which started in government and has wound up in film/TV. From the outside, I have lived some interesting experiences, but it can also look like I don’t have any of my ducks in order. And just like when I was a teenager and in my 20s, I continue to wonder what I’m doing with my life.
During weaker moments, when I let the grains of regret dig into my insecurities, everything can feel like it’s falling apart and I have failed. For the first time in my life, I have truly felt the fleeting nature of youth. When I was younger, I always looked forward to the future, to all the things I would do and the mountains I would climb (figuratively and literally). But now, there are lots of times I would look back on the past wistfully, and find myself wishing I was there again.
But not all is lost. Because what is a crisis, but an acknowledgement of the need for change? Perhaps the antithesis of the statement, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Sometimes reaching the depths of our despair can finally show us the path we want to go. My quarter-life crisis had me moving abroad, running around the world, and starting a new career in a crazy industry. All the things I had wanted to do, and decided to finally do. Life is what we make of it.
I would tell my younger self to not worry so much. To enjoy the ride and really savour everything - because you are only young once and you can only experience the euphoria and pure nature of certain significant life events for the first time in youth. But the lesson I would take away from that now, in my current state of third-life crises is probably the same. That I shouldn’t worry so much, that I should enjoy every moment. If there’s something I’ve been wanting to do, then now’s the time. That everything will work out. And when it doesn’t seem like it will - I’ll figure out a way.
